The Size of Our Hearts
by Dustwind
Summary: Roy had been to a lot of funerals, and it might have made him a bitter man, but Roy Mustang had lived a very lucky life. Spoilers.


Disclaimer: I do not own FMA. The song lyrics found in this fiction belong to John Lennon.

Warnings: Shonen-ai (very light), language, SPOILERS for episode 25 and the end of the series (even though I haven't seen it so this may turn out AU). Heh.

A/N: I decided I am going to have a happy ending dag nabbit! I am rather proud of this one.

**The Size of Our Hearts**

_There are places I remember all my life,_  
_Though some have changed.  
Some forever, not for better.  
Some are gone, and some remain.  
All these places have their moments  
With lovers and friends I still can recall.  
Some are dead and some are living.  
In my life, I loved them all._

Roy Mustang had lived a very lucky life.

He knew this even as they lowered the casket into the ground.

The woman in the casket had been his wife for seventeen years. He had been happily married for seventeen years.

And he'd been to a lot of funerals. It might have made him a bitter man.

The ones who mattered were there; his family and hers, Al and Winry, Gracia and Alicia, Havoc, Fury, Falman, Breda, Armstrong, and one Edward Elric, standing unassumingly beside him.

"Never thought I'd see Hawkeye in the grave before me," Havoc remarked sadly, flicking the ashes from the end of his cigarette. He looked at it cynically.

"I'm sorry, Roy. " He put a hand on his former Taisa's shoulder, looking like he wanted to say more, like he was sorry he was the smoker who had lived while she had died.

Roy offered him a sad smile. "Thanks, Jean." Then a twinkle came into his eye.

"You know, her warnings may come true. You still have time for those things to kill you."

Havoc caught the joke and put on a grin for the man he had followed so long.

"Yeah, like you'd get rid of me that easy." One last clap on the shoulder and he'd moved on, making room for the others to offer their condolences.

No one expected him to be so composed. No one thought that he would be the one to make a joke, or remember something fondly and without regret. Everyone thought he'd be broken. They never guessed that Roy Mustang would be the one to take a little of their pain away, to make them feel a little better. Of course, they shouldn't have been surprised. Roy had spent his life making the pain of others his own so that they could bear the burden a little better. How could he stand so straight with the weight of all those memories and burdens on his shoulders?

But Roy smiled it all away and sent his friends back to their homes with light hearts. After all, he wasn't alone.

Only the two of them remained, just Roy and Ed standing before a newly dug grave marked by an austere headstone with surprisingly soft, gentle lines. Ed's right hand, flesh now, found his left, and the two stood with respect in front of the grave. Roy remembered a similar scene, before a similar gravestone many years ago, before he'd begun to realize how lucky he was, before he'd realized that he was never truly alone. The hand had been metal then, and the possibility that it sought his fingers hadn't even crossed his mind. That time he'd left the grave alone, thinking that no one could possibly help him in his grief, or even care to come looking for him.

Ed found him at a seedy bar downtown, not drunk, but wishing he was. He watched the blonde as he made his way slowly between the tables to the very back where Roy sat nursing the same drink he'd had for the last three hours. "What are you doing, Taisa?" 

The question should have been, "What are you, my fifteen year-old Hagane, doing in a downtown bar at this hour of the night?" but Roy found his heart wasn't in it, and the only reply he ended up giving was a strangled croak as the words stuck and died in his throat.

Ed just sat down and stared into the nearly untouched drink with Roy, not saying anything, and not really needing to. Roy wondered if Ed was torturing himself like he was. What a sorry pair they made, both of them sitting in their own guilt and choking on it, without even the guts to drown it all in a bottle. They would never, _could _never use that as an escape. They didn't deserve an escape.

It was all Roy's fault. Maes had been working to help him; he had promised to push him to the top. And because of this he died, killed in the line of duty, his duty to Roy. Maes was the most honest man Roy knew, at least with those he cared about, and now he had made him go and break his promise he made to him, to Gracia, to Alicia. And it was all his fault. He should have protected him, should have made him quit when he saw Maes torn in two between his promises to Roy and his promises to his family. God! What good was it to be Fuhrer if your friends weren't there? What good was it to fight to be able to help them later if you couldn't help them now? He kept hurting people he cared about, people he was trying to protect.

Ed should leave. Roy wished he would, but he hoped he wouldn't, and he hated himself for it. Without the usual banter and repartee that usually ruled their time together, he was more conscious of the soft body beside him that gave a little warmth to the chill he felt somewhere in the hole in his stomach, and the slow breathing that helped him to regulate his choked back sobs. He shouldn't ask Ed for the comfort he so desperately craved. He didn't deserve comfort and Ed didn't deserve to be used by him. If he didn't leave now, Roy was going to do something they'd both regret.

Ed shifted beside him. Roy realized his head was buried in his hands, and he must have spilled his drink or something, because it was wet on the table where his glass used to be and his head now rested.

He said nothing when the shorter alchemist took him by the elbow and led him to the door.

He was surprised Ed knew where he lived. He was even more surprised when Ed stood on his doorstep, half in the light of the open doorway, half in the shadow of the night outside, making no move to enter uninvited, but obviously with no intention of leaving just yet. Roy tried to ask what he thought he was doing, but found the words stopped in his throat again. He wondered when exactly he had lost control of the situation.

He settled for a questioning look, or at least he hoped it was questioning rather than the yearning and hunger he was feeling. He wondered when exactly he had lost control of himself.

"Look, Taisa," Ed began. A look Roy had never seen before crossed his face, something between guilt and sternness and…something Roy couldn't really put a name to, something that looked a little like fear and a little like…affection?

"Look…Roy," he continued in a measurably softer and gentler voice. The black haired man choked back another sob. Ed rarely used his name, and never in this tone. Did he know what he was doing? Didn't he know how hard he was making this for Roy? How could he have any idea what he was offering with that voice?

"I know a lot about death, and I know a lot about guilt," a slightly sterner voice said. "And I know a lot about how the one leads to the other. But you can't spend your life beating yourself up for a mistake you only think you made."

"You are hardly one to talk Hagane." Why had he called him Hagane? This was Ed.

"I know that!" And briefly, Roy glimpsed a bit of the Ed he knew a little better, full of indignation and not a little pride. Then his eyes softened again.

"You're not going to chase me away with that tonight, _Taisa_." He put a sardonic twist on Roy's title, as if to say that Roy should just give up the game already.

"It's not your fault," the younger man said. But it was.

"It's not your fault." Roy turned to leave, but now Ed did push himself through the door, looking almost as surprised as Roy when he seized the older man by the shoulders. Roy had forgotten how strong he was in his surprise over his first viewing of Ed's gentler side.

"Maes did not die for you. He died because someone out there isn't satisfied with just living. He died because someone is scared, and that someone is going to kill more of your friends if you don't get it together. You arrogant bastard! Do you think you can fix everything? Do you think everything happens because of you? You think you're the only one who makes mistakes? You think other people don't make their mistakes, too? That's a damn tiring way to live, Roy! Trust me, I know."

"Hagane, you are the biggest hypocrite I've ever met." Funny, that didn't come out harshly, like he'd intended. It had been soft and broken, and full of choked up tears.

"Yeah. We make a pretty sorry pair." Roy's surprise at hearing his earlier thoughts echoed back at him jolted him enough to make him realize that Ed had somehow worked them both into the bedroom and was in the process of pushing Roy onto the bed.

This had to stop.

"You don't know what you're doing, Hagane."

"Sure I do. I'm putting you to bed, and then I'm going to hold you while you cry, which you obviously need to do."

"Ed… I don't think this is what you want."

"How would you know what I want? You don't even know what you want right now. All I know is that you need someone to hold you and I am the only one with the guts to confront you right now." He smiled sadly, a faraway look on his face.

"I've always had Al to be there for me. Even if he is a big hunk of metal, he's pretty good at the hugging thing. I want…I want you to have that, too. No one should ever be alone."

Any semblance of self-control Roy might have been clinging to evaporated, and he pounced on the smaller man as if his life depended on it.

He did not miss the flash of fear and indecision that crossed Ed's face as he did it, though. God! He really deserved a living hell. Pouncing on fifteen-year olds… He knew Ed didn't know what he was offering!

"I knew this was a bad idea, Hagane." He tried to pull away, but Ed wouldn't let him go.

"Taisa…Roy," funny, Ed sounded just as broken as he did.

"I don't…want to be alone with this either." When had they curled up together? When had Ed started rubbing small circles on Roy's back with his hands, and when had Roy buried his face in Ed's shirt?

"Ed, you're only fifteen…"

"Not forever, I'm not. Do you think…you could be satisfied with this tonight, if we didn't go any farther than this? Isn't even that better than being alone?"

Roy answered by hugging him tighter.

"I will take anything you are willing to give, Ed."

Ed just looked at him, very young and insecure indeed.

"Wait for me, Taisa?"

Roy had waited. Ed hadn't come to his apartment since that night. They continued as they always had, mutually antagonistic, arrogant bastards the both of them, and if they were laughing at themselves together instead of just at each other, well, no one really seemed to notice.

But then Ed was ripped away from him, too.

It was Hawkeye who found him that night. He hadn't even made it as far as the bar. He stopped somewhere on the way, in a little park in the city, falling onto a bench beneath a broken street light.

"Sir."

Roy made no reply. He didn't even try. Hawkeye sat beside him and waited. It was too painful; it was too much like sitting beside another who had patiently waited for him after a different death. So many people he loved had gone. 

"Why am I always the one left behind?"

He didn't realize he'd said that out loud until she stood up and began pacing back and forth in front of the bench, anxiety in every step, confusion and fear and bitterness on her face and said, "You two were lovers, weren't you?"

Roy's head shot up. "No!"

"Then why…"

"I told him I'd wait for him. I told him he could go grow up first and then we'd see where we could go together…but it turns out he couldn't wait for me."

The words came so bitter from his mouth. "He was there with me after Maes died."

He was surprised by the emotion on Hawkeye's face. Was that…regret?

The words came tumbling out of his mouth in bitter chokes. "I told him about me and Maes. He was the only one I told until now. How he was so much more than a friend, and I let him go because I loved him. Told him he should go have a family and be happy instead of hanging around someone who had no room for anything other than his own dreams." A sob clenched his throat.

"I didn't think I'd ever made a bigger mistake in my life than to push him away. But then…he showed me he was still there. He was my best friend, and I never really lost him. What we had was never gone…it just changed. And it was enough. Anything he was willing to give was enough."

There were tears running freely down both their faces, but he couldn't stop if he'd wanted to.

"He… Maes told me once before we… before I pushed him away that our hearts are too big to have just one person in our lives. He said that we can love a lot of people and always have room for more. And I never realized what he was talking about until Ed…"

He broke off as Riza's face crumpled before him. She sank to her knees on the ground. Roy went to her, feeling like he was dragging himself in slow motion to where she knelt in the darkness. Then his arms were around her and they were sobbing together.

"Hawkeye…Riza, what's going on? What's wrong?"

"I thought I came too late"

"What are you talking about?"

She steeled herself visibly. "I love you."

He could only stare. He watched her gather her courage again, and this time the words were tumbling out of her mouth without stopping. "I've loved you since… I don't know when, and I always thought there would be time to tell you, once all the troubles passed, but then they never did. And when Maes died, you had Edward to catch you, and I saw you at the bar together, and I thought I was too late. And now I think I am. But he's gone and I had to tell you and please don't hate me for saying it now! I know you feel bereaved and lost and alone, but you don't have to be alone. None of us do!"

It was then Roy realized that Riza had been following him on his late night trips to the bars, making sure he was safe, making sure _she_ was safe to tell him someday. That was how she had found him tonight. What did he do to deserve such loyalty?

"Roy."

_Our hearts are too big to have just one person…_

"Roy, say something."

"God, I must be the stupidest man alive. I never saw it."

Hawkeye hiccupped and looked at him hesitantly. He ran a finger down her cheek, wiping her tears away and spurring a new set to trickle slowly down in the half-light.

"Roy, I know…I know you might not want this right now but, do you think…you could make room in your heart for one more? For me?"

He smiled. "I don't have to make room. You're already there. You've always been there."

And he thought of Ed. It brought a now familiar pang to his heart. She was in his heart, too, but his heart was elsewhere right now. It was still with someone he would never see again. But it wouldn't always be.

"Wait for me, Riza?"

And she did. And they got married. And they stayed married for seventeen wonderful years. And Roy decided he didn't want to be Fuhrer. He just wanted to be with the people he loved. Roy knew that he would never lose another love to his ambition again. There were too many other ways to lose someone.

He snapped out of his reverie at the sound of the voice beside him.

"What are you thinking, Roy?"

He looked over at the smaller man. Ed had grown a lot during his time beyond the gate, but he had too much lost time to make up. The top of his head still only reached Roy's eyes.

The years had been kind to Roy. His hair was as black as it was when he was twenty. Ed, on the other hand, had a lot of white in his, even though he was only in his thirties. No gray for Edward Elric. If he had to age, he was going to do it spectacularly. And age he would; his life had been hard. It made him look a little ethereal, as if he didn't really belong fully in this world.

Maybe he didn't.

"You know, Hagane, anyone would seeing us now would think _you_ were the older man!"

Ed just laughed. "Yeah. They'd look at a white haired guy like me standing next to you and think I was robbing the cradle. Funny, how I spent all my youth trying to be so old, and now that I'm older, I want to look younger."

"You look fine to me." Roy tried a smile, but something made him look away.

"What is it, Roy?"

"I think I owe you an apology, Ed."

"Oh?"

"I promised I'd wait for you. But then, I thought you'd left me behind. And I feel… like I gave up on you."

Ed looked at him for a while. Then his face changed and he ripped his hand away. Roy thought for a moment that he was staring at a fifteen year old Hagane angry with him because he'd just called him a bean in front of the whole unit.

"Idiot Taisa. You think I wanted you to wait for me your whole life? That was not what I meant all those years ago and you damn well know it! How were you to know I was coming back? I didn't even know I could get back; it took me ten years! I was happy for the both of you when you finally got up the guts to fess up! It's my fault anyway for asking you to wait for me. I should have known Hawkeye had her eye on you. Why are you laughing?"

Roy stifled his chuckles and took Ed's hand back in his own. "Because we're both still arrogant bastards, that's why. We need to stop blaming ourselves and start blaming each other."

Ed looked confused for a moment, then smiled and looked back at the gravestone.

"I take it you know better than to blame yourself for her, then?"

"Yeah. There was nothing either of us could do. It was a…lump…in her breast, Ed."

Roy had never thought of Riza as a very masculine type, but he still didn't associate a lot of the normal feminine weaknesses with her, either. It had come as quite a shock to both of them. Such a tiny thing, and it beat her as no enemy soldier or homunculus had ever been able to do.

"I'm sorry, Roy. She was a strong woman. She never let anyone down."

But they'd both known it was coming. They'd talked and cried a lot together, especially during her last weeks when she didn't even have the energy to get out of bed and get a glass of water for herself. The memory was still clear as day.

"You know you won't be alone, right, Roy? I'm not leaving you because I want to, it's just one of those things. I hope you go to him, Roy. You'll need each other. I'm just glad I could have you for a time."

He'd thought a lot about that afterward. How she wanted him to move on, and not mourn too long, and how lucky he was to have been her husband.

And he did want to be with Ed, to finish what they'd started all those years ago. But not yet. Ed was in his heart, but his heart was somewhere else right now, with someone he had seen for the last time. But it wouldn't always be.

_Our hearts are too big to have just one person…_

"Wait for me, Ed?"

Roy had been to a lot of funerals. And it might have made him a bitter man.

But there was always someone to catch him when he fell. Maes, and then Ed when Maes was gone. And Riza when Ed was gone. And now Ed.

"Forever, Roy."

Roy Mustang had lived a very lucky life.

_But through all these friends and lovers,  
__There is no one who compares with you,  
__And these memories lose their meaning  
__When I think of love as something new.  
__Though I know I will never lose affection  
__For people and things that went before.  
__I know I'll often stop and think about them.  
__In my life, I loved you more._

A/N: Looks up at what she's written…wow…I wrote, like, a book. And I seem to have tried to satisfy Maes/Roy, Riza/Roy, and Ed/Roy fans ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Did it work?


End file.
